One of my favorite movies, and one that I can’t watch ever again because it hits me so freaking hard, is 1993’s My Life with Michael Keaton and Nicole Kidman.

Keaton plays Bob Ivanovich, a Ukrainian-American who grows up hating his parents’ traditions.  His resentment toward his father is so intense that he changes his name and moves across the country. When we meet Bob, we find out he has terminal cancer in his kidneys. One of the beautiful aspects of the film is that Bob is filming himself talking to the unborn child his wife is carrying, as he’s not expected to live to see that child. At one point, he reluctantly goes to a Chinese healer. The healer tells Bob that the origins of his illness come from his inability to forgive. The scene in the movie that always hits the hardest comes at the end, in a scene between Bob and his father. Watch the movie and keep tissues on hand.

That movie comes back to mind from time to time, almost as a reminder. It’s as if something higher within me, whether my soul or subconscious, wants me to remember that hey, life is short. Make the most of this. Also, forgive everyone.

In the last episode of this podcast, I talked about the hell that has been the last three years of my life, struggling with depression, loneliness, feelings of betrayal, and anxiety – especially health anxiety.

I also mentioned how all of this was happening as I hit my 50s. But, hitting this stage of life is not the reason I’m struggling. All of my pain is not about having a midlife crisis. Most of my pain and problems, I believe, stem from my inability to forgive.

Not long ago, I thought I was on top of the world. I was riding high in my career. I had extra money in my pocket. I could live a bit adventurously, and a little bit of the bachelor life. Yet, underneath all of that, I was starting to worry about my health, and especially about my career. There were cracks in the foundation, and I should have seen the crash that was coming.

The day it happened left me in a state of shock, which I don’t think I’ve ever experienced at that level. Since then, my struggles mounted, and life became dark. I felt as though I was trapped in quicksand, sinking deeper and deeper the more I struggled with it.

So how am I climbing out of it? I have to return to the movie. The first time that Bob visits the Chinese healer, the man tells him, “Your heart is calling you to forgive, and life is always giving you invitations if you would only listen.

Is it as simple as forgiveness? Sometimes when I’m struggling with things, I go to the beginning. So, I went to the definition of the idea. What is the definition of forgiveness? The American Psychological Association definition is as follows:

_{n. willfully putting aside feelings of resentment toward an individual who has committed a wrong, been unfair or hurtful, or otherwise harmed one in some way. Forgiveness is not equated with reconciliation or excusing another, and it is not merely accepting what happened or ceasing to be angry. Rather, it involves a voluntary transformation of one’s feelings, attitudes, and behavior toward the individual, so that one is no longer dominated by resentment and can express compassion, generosity, or the like toward the individual.}

I looked up forgiveness on a spiritual level. Jesus spoke of forgiveness, saying, “Love your enemies and turn the other cheek.” In Judaism, there’s a practice of Teshuva (returning) as a way to regret an act, confess to it, and seek repentance. There’s a beautiful story of a man who spat on the feet of Buddha and the next day sought his forgiveness. Buddha’s answer will hit you hard.

Here’s the thing: forgiving someone for the wrong they have committed might be the most difficult thing we do in life. But why? Is it natural for us to be resentful and angry? Is the desire for revenge just a part of being human?

I believe that so much of my recent pain and struggle is linked to my holding on to a lot of resentment. I believe that I have to forgive to set myself free. Without mentioning names, I will say that there are a few people from my most recent past who hurt me, betrayed me, and stood at the hole I fell through, which has led me to this point. When I see them in my mind, I relive the fear and the pain of their betrayal all over again, and with each memory, my brain wants to create a scenario where karma is served. With each memory, my blood pressure climbs up, my heart races, my rage grows, and I start to see spots. It didn’t take long before I realized that my anger was causing most of my pain. Honestly, I will never (hope to never) see or speak to them again. Yet, I need to forgive them in order to heal myself.

So I’ll write them a letter that I’ll never send.

Dear former friends and peers,

I have spent the last few years angry, feeling resentful, hating you. I don’t want to anymore. I want to start by apologizing. I want to start by asking you for forgiveness. If I wronged you, I am sorry. It was not my intent. It was not malicious. I did what I did because I was fighting for what I thought was right. But I didn’t take your advice. I allowed my anger to fester and it sat inside of me for a while and became uncontrollable. I must have been a pain in the ass and maybe worse. For that, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you. Now, I will forgive you. I trusted you. I believed in you. I mentored you. I looked up to you. I respected you. But what you did felt like the worst kind of betrayal. You looked me in the eyes and then, you ripped my heart straight out of me. You prospered, and I lost everything. I don’t hate you. I don’t resent you anymore. I forgive you. For whatever reason, our relationship ended. way it did. I wish it was a better way. A more peaceful way. But it ended as it did.

From this point forward, I release you. I let this go. And I free us both of the burden. I hope you have a wonderful life, that you prosper. And I mean that. But I don’t ever want to see you again. not in this life. Again, I forgive you.

Forgiveness is hard. That’s why it’s the most important thing to do to save our minds and souls. Honestly, for me, I want to forgive everyone who has wronged me because I’m terrified of dying with any anger toward another human being. Also, at this stage of my life, I am a lot more careful about my physical health, knowing that it’s tied to my mental health.

If thoughts return, and I expect they will, I won’t fight them. I will find a way to destroy my reactions to past spites. I will picture those people for whom I am angry, and tear from my chest a cellophane wrap of my heart that I throw at them (some of you will know that 80s reference :)) and let it wrap them in my love. See, part of that will make me giggle. Mostly, I will clear my mind of anger and allow myself to move forward as a free soul. I hope you can find that peace. Find a way, no matter what, to forgive yourself and those who have wronged you.